tomorrow a new point of view...

man oh mighty...i need some fast cash cause check out this...

the glasshouse (pomona, ca) http://theglasshouse.us a just-ok venue...

oct 30 rilo kiley, now its overhead

nov 4 death cab for cutie, pretty girls make graves

nov 12 the faint, beep beep

dec 9 pedro the lion

the troubadour http://www.troubadour.com (a personal favorite)

september 28 (tomorrow!) the good life (featuring tim kasher of cursive) ONLY $10!

HEY NIKKI this ones for you...
oct 24 the ska is dead tour (featuring suburban legends)

oct 28 john vanderslice (YES!)

nov 8 damien jurado

nov 16 minnie driver (hummm...)

the wiltern http://www.thewiltern.com

nov 5 death cab for cutie

nov 6 bela fleck and the flecktones

nov 17 switchfoot (if you are into them)

nov 18-19 wilco (nice!)

el rey theatre http://www.theelrey.com

nov 20 rachel yamagata

nov 21-22 ben freaking folds!

check it out for yourselves...

http://www.goldenvoice.com/ca.html

and while you are at it...check out this... all i have to say is the shins are amazing...
http://www.atpfestival.com/

Posted by aca at 9:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

i feel perplexed, agitated and dumbfounded all in unison. man i am utterly and solely selfish and selfcentered. entirely. i have no right to complain about anything.

i was just informed of a divorce which is happening in my class. my heart breaks. my heart yearns and cries out to God shouting..."why would you do this?! she's a child."

the details (in moderation) are a messy one. it's not like a simplistic (oxymoron) divorce, where one parent slips away into oblivion. but that of namecalling and humiliation, egos, retaliation and the like. and these innocent babies are being used against their will and knowledge.

the day before yesterday, this father came to pick up (the details are sketchy) the oldest girl for lunch. i think the girl in my class thought she was going too, and when confronted with the opposite, exploded into hysterics. grasping her father for life and love and fear. fear of abandonment i assume. all the while, the entire school has witnessed this situation.

10 minutes after these events...i am greeted from her with a smile and a squeeze. and i, stand oblivious to this situation until i was informed later.

this angel, every morning, wears a smile and has one to spare. contemplating this over in my mind, i know i am that form of stability she is not receiving at home. i am a familiar face who loves to give hugs, but even more to receive them. (last year, i had a boy who told me "i was soft like a pillow".) i take pride in my profession and am committed everyday to make sure each student feels love and acceptance. however, the return is much greater, and much undeserved.

this little precious girl is why i do what i do. i have no doubt that the realities god has brought to me with my own life recently, coincide with these horrific details of these girls. and others who are yet undiscovered. god is funny that way.

the reality is this, god uses our weaknesses as our strengths. he equips us for situations and obstacles to define our character and person. what a calling. my challenge: to live a life pleasing to god, alongside setting a example to these formable minds and hearts.

in 26 years i think i have found my passion. pray with me about decisions in my future which may upset the realities i hold familiar. join me as i pray on the decisions which may lead me to what i was designed to accomplish.

if you would like to pray specifically for this family, call me and i can give you a name to avoid the generality in prayer.

Posted by aca at 7:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

so FYI...

shantelle brutsman is coming to the big YL. and staying at my pad this weekend. all are invited and all are welcome. let me know if you wanna cruise down.

and we have new member to our humble home...olivia. she's glenn's new friend. joining us for allie's birthday...

Posted by aca at 1:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

yo los adoro mas que palabras, mas que la vida el mismo...

esta a ellos yo prometo mi amor...

since this is a tribute of love and admiration...i figured what a better way to express it than in the beautiful language of espanol. those three years of spanish did pay off...

however... i guess i would like you all to understand my post... instead of just alyssa. (you are mexican right? my bad if you're not)

so this is a simplistic tribute to the most important people...

mis hermanos...(my brothers)

mattie...

if you don't know matt...you should. he's comedic and cynical and amazing.
he has a deep heart and cares for things with great emotion. it rarely shows, but his heart is a heart of gold.

my favorite memories...

1. when i was in springfield for college a small group of students from our youth group came to visit. he sent with them a note and an envelope full of change. the p.s wrote..."here is some money to do something fun. sorry it's not much but it's all i had."
2. we were up at pondo the winter of 2002. i just told him i was diagnosed with skin cancer...and we sat in darkness in room three...while he prayed a prayer i never will forget... "God, this could have happened to anyone, but you let it happen to her. and i will not go on if you take her from me. she is more than a sister, she is my mother and best friend..."

he also looks so remarkably like me... so he's really f#@ ing hot.

t dogg for shiz my niz...

the boy thinks he's black. and that's awesome. but he's from hesperia...uh...

timmy would give you the clothes off his back if you didn't have any...or if you just really liked his. he quiet and illusive...but if you know him you will laugh your ass off. he is so freaking funny. i don't know anyone else who refers to his ipod as his "i pizzle". he's one of the few people that i could have really strong anger towards and then could say something like that to make me forget it.

my favorite memories...

1. matt and andy kovar tying him to the stop sign on our street...then leaving him. ha ha that still makes me laugh.
2. death cab for cutie concert baby. he was my date when i had none.
3. catching me working out when i wasn't supposed to, and saying..."what are you worried about? you don't need to work out. you're beautiful."

loyality runs through his veins.

my sweet bennie..

though he isn't blood...he's family. our malfunctioning, disfunctional families have brought us all closer that no one would understand. he's my brother.

ben is a lover of life, a lover of words and a lover of intellect. i have never met anyone, who surpasses his age bracket more than ben. i forget he is not my age...but 6 years younger. his life is a tribute to what it means to be a christ follower and a true pilgrim on a journey of self discovery and realization. ( hey...maybe you should check out the church by jase's house.) he doesn't have all the answers... but questions all...and it's beautiful.

my favorite memories...

1. when ben was in 2nd or 3rd grade my friend and i used to babysat him and amanda after school. ladies...yes...he was always a cutie...
2. last spring's rilo kiley concert. what a great time. what great company.
3. ben and matt's bickering over who cleaned the lodge better...back before they were rock stars...

zach...

he's 4. he's awesome. i don't see him nearly enough.

my favorite memories...

1. last chrsitmas eve i walk through the door and says "hi amanda! we got you a watch!"
2. the christmas before last...matt and allie won this 4 foot stuffed santa. (zach was in a phase where he would run around body slamming...yellling "you want a piece of me?!") so he was on the floor wrestling this santa and he gets it into a head lock. and i all you hear utter from his lips is a growl saying..."m-e-r-r-y c-h-r-i-s-t-m-a-s."

how fortunate am i? i love you all so very much. as stated before...you are my life and love.

Posted by aca at 7:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

yes it's true. our new fridge has taken over our house. i told allie we should just move into it. it's big enough. hell...we all could. and yes it really did cost over one million dollars. and it is made of pure titanium. like the stuff you make submarines or space ships. it should have to pay rent for all the space it takes. ask jasen. he sat in it. and drank all the beer. he said something like he was "worshiping God." i think that was in "a new kind of christian" somewhere.

so speaking of cindy crawford. i keep a picture on my fridge (i remembered this now that i replaced things on the new, supersized one) of cindy jogging. in spandix. and i am astounded how a woman who is like 45 years old can look so amazing. so i keep this picture on my fridge as a reminder not to eat. wow...women with eating disorders are so in right now. screw atkins (see previous post.)

so speaking of eating...jasen's dad took us to pf changs tonight...damn...i'll start this "diet" thing tomorrow. i want a tight ass...i want a tight ass...

so recently i ideated the truths of a recent slump which has commenced it's grave nature upon most of us. myself...i believe it started at birth...or maybe i mean mid february. just where items kept compiling one after another, into a heaping mound of disillusionment and discouragement. i noticed my fellow cohorts struggling with these vicissitudes as well. and everyone just coasted through this haze of frustrations. but recently it looks like things have began to ease into a unclouded form of normality. and that is encouraging. good things are happening to this guild of community around me.

so i have concluded this... in this haughty world of uncouth conversations and egotistical motives...it all boils down to one consensus...

we all yearn for a butt as good as cindy's.

admit it.

Posted by aca at 1:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

so tonight i realized on that really long stretch home from jasen's to my house...that this marks the 10th year of my parents divorce...and you know what i got them?

a big fat bill from therapy.

yes..yes it's true. i am totally 100% normal. i pay my shrink to tell me this. kidding.

i don't pay him to tell me...he just does. he also tells me it hurts when i pinch him.

ok. enough with the crass humor. i do not have a shrink.

yet.

an amazing friend of mine...and probably one of my top 10 favorite people on this earth...holly sharp...was so kind to lend me a listening ear before we left for nyc. in a nutshell...the basis of our conversion is to prove once and for all if i'm bipolar. i'm not. whew.

but i do have "issues" to deal with. but then again in some fashion...who doesn't?

now, 10 years later suppressed emotions are resurfacing...and i haven't known why. and i believe this markable moment in my life, has deeper scares then i could, or anyone could have imagined.

and i think "well how could that be?" see in our family we don't like to talk about things. and we don't. and i don't.

and then i begin dating a guy who makes me talk about these things...and then i post them on the internet. that's progress right?

to think what i would be like if my parents stayed together...man i would kick as..uh butt...i would have no deep emotional scares to resurface. and life would be perfect...

whether your parents are divorced or together they have their share of problems. and i am sure your story is worse than mine. but if your families are still together. thank god for that. never take it for granted. and when you have children...be true to them. talk with them. love them.

jase and i saw garden state. most excellent movie. and at the end i was weeping...surprise...surprise...but seriously...the movie's synopsis was all too familiar for me. and to steal the quote from nikki's blog...
"you know that point in your life where you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home any more? the idea of home is gone. maybe that's all family really is. a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

where i pay rent is where i live. but is there love there? is it my home? my dad's house is not my home...my mom's is not my home. so if i needed to run away from life and seek shelter from this angry world...you know where i would go?

dan and becky skipper. they are my family. and the household i truly feel loved and accepted for the woman i am now.

i am thankful for them.

see my life worked out ok.

Posted by aca at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

so humm...

i once was apart of the association where we shared our wallowing hearts and sorrows. i often embarked on this similar journey where lonely girls everywhere embraced each other with similar stories and tried to make sense of their eternal bleeding hearts. i believe i was president of this association. maybe a founding member. now i gaze from the outside wondering how i got there. oh yeah...the best thing that ever happened to me walked into my life...

(now this part may make you toss your cookies...but i urge you to keep reading...it proves an excellent point)

this man who i dearly call my best friend and so much more has proven the thematic tones of moulin rouge to ring true...

truth **beauty **freedom **love
and the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

he is much more than i dreamed of and hoped for.

now this isn't an opportunity to gain favor within the eyes of this wonderful human...but to prove a very valid and true point.

in response to nikki's post. how many conversations have you and i had about this subject? it makes no sense in our simplistic minds to fathom this emotion. this acceptance. this love. or anticipation to attain what our heart so badly desires. but our God is a God of love. He loves us, and he created us to be lovers. it's ok to want love. its ok to feel passionate about finding someone. God designed this in you.

one entity i have expressed to you time and time again...and you may never understand it's validity (and that's natural) until later. but sweetness...it is worth the wait.

i take ownership in the mistakes i have made...and i truly believe it has allowed me to experience what i have now...and appreciate it more. but how beautiful is the picture when you find life's true love in a single experience. that's a beautiful picture...and in that i am envious.

by no means do i be little your heartache. i hurt for you. but please know this... you are a beautiful woman. and i'll be damned to allow you to believe otherwise. God designed you special and unique. for a purpose! how boring is everyone else? blah!

it's not true...blondes don't have more fun.

it really sucks to be a woman today. we are so self-depreciating and demeaning. but encouraging to our friends. weird?! i have an absolutely gorgeous friend who is close to 5 years younger than i. she lost weight and now i know will be picture perfect tomorrow for her wedding. and all i can think about is man i hate that bitch.

but seriously...instead of being happy for her and excited about what God is doing in her life, i instantly begin to compare why i can't be this way. and that sucks. but this is how society trains us to think. but screw society right? because when we were small we were taught that "god don't make no junk."

"i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well." psalm 139:14

so nikki. so paula. i do not boast to know all the answers to all life's dating dilemmas and mysteries. by no means do i claim to have the answers. by the grace of God do i have what i have, and i learn something new everyday. and matter-of-fact i am actually a dating screw-up. know God has something for you. please excuse my cliche response... but wait for it.

cause i do know this...it is worth the wait. promise.

Posted by aca at 2:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

i read today that the maori people of new zealand have a practice of looking deep into somone's eyes and saying, "i see you."

which lead me to immediately muse over those three, small, extraordinary words.

how convicting.

in this hustle and bustle of these unrealistically "busy" lives we lead...how often do we really know someone's condition or person at all? can you see them?

don't you have to be looking?

can you see the disappointment in someone? hurt? anger? frustration? loneliness? neglect? abandonment? abuse? despair? aren't these easily masked? do we care to unmask them?

how often have you been in a situation where someone asks you "what's up?" and then answers something before you could respond? do they really care? can they see you? do they want to?

how about us? do we really "see" those closest to us? or are we so self involved with our own business to really show forbearance with one another?

webster's dictionary states: see:
1. to perceive by the eye; to perceive or detect as if by sight.
2. to have experience of; to come to know
3. to form a mental picture of: VISUALIZE; to perceive the meaning or importance of: UNDERSTAND; to be aware of: RECOGNIZE.
4. to examine, watch.

this isn't a desperate urge to go around and be creepy to everyone. i wouldn't want people all up in my face...but seriously...lets take time to help alleviate some suffering.

wait...damn...isn't that community?

Posted by aca at 6:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

a very wise man once told me

"listen to rap music...it will make you feel better."

you should try it.

Posted by aca at 7:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

so i am sure mr. atkins was nice. no disrespect.

but seriously...are these people for real? they should just bottle up all their hot air and market that for a new diet fad.

i just ate a whole loaf of bread.

atkins this.

Posted by aca at 9:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

yes...yes it's true. i am normal. more later.

as for totally offended. well i guess it's a half truth. i assume i am not offended but annoyed. i communicated to my friend ben the other day that my new pet peeve has changed. no longer is the camel chewing with your mouth open my biggest annoyance, but that of unreturned phone calls. now another is slowly rounding third for a in the park home run. the annoyance of insensitivity. you give and give and i find those people who take and take.

i started a book a while ago titled, "safe people" by cloud and townsend. humm...and i remember not finishing because i was so thoroughly convicted by how i have choosen the people who have surrounded me. the takers. those who take your kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity and make you think "why do i even try".

so questions of community and togetherness dwell in the shadows. who are these people? are they people you tolerate? are they people you trust? are they people you love? what if you try but it's fake? if you know me at all...you know i have a hard time masking my emotions.

if your community is those you choose to live life with...what if you are not near them. what if your community is distant and those around seem as replacements? is this fair?

hold on. let me stop here. by no means i am truly making this completely personal. i have some excellent connections...many undeserved and completely authentic. and i am truly thankful for these few.

webster's dictionary states community:
1. a unified body of individuals
2. the people with common interests living in a particular area.
3. an interacting population of various kinds of individuals in a common location.
4. a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society.

so i believe our personal definitions are subjective. near or far...there seems to be no clarity. how do you grow through life together so far apart? all four of these definitions were immensely diverse from one another. so is our community applying what is nearest to your physical location? isn't it healthy to have tangible, real, invevitable assurance through a physical being?

is it your loved ones... your family... your acquaintances or the people you simply tolerate? maybe. is it selfish to want to pick and choose and desire to surround yourself with those too distant companions? the reality anchors itself with the truth...you are called to love everyone...but not to like them so much. so why do we subject ourselves to this prolonging torture? are we happy in these substitutes? who are we to be so choosy?

where is true community?

Posted by aca at 1:58 AM | Permalink | Comments

so i realized this last spring quarter... i suffer from attention defecate. now i haven't been diagnosed... but i realize how difficult it is for me to keep focused on one task. a huge part played into the reality of how much i hated my economics class, and how i would search for means and stimulation outside its constricting boundaries. so now i have difficulties keeping my mind focused on one task. which causes much concern to those around me. thoughts of what to do, and what has not be done cloud my persona which leads others to believe that i may be upset or frustrated. and i am frustrated. frustrated i can't keep my mind focused on one thing. but these people have become staples in my life forcing me to open up and not retreat to my introverted ways...

urgh...

life had been so lonely, and i was tired of it. so i am led to believe i "busied" my life with too many distractions. and now i reap the effects of the aftermath. total exhaustion.

so speaking of distractions...i need to go back to what i was doing. whatever it was.

Posted by aca at 2:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

hummm...

what in the world am i doing? i make fun of these people. i don't believe in online diaries... (you all know that is what this is...) but the honest truth...i typed my name in a search engine tonight...and the one thing that insistently pops up is about an amanda shilling the porno queen...i don't mean to be so derogatory...but i felt i need to clear my name from the nastiness of the internet. so as the saying goes...don't always believe what you hear. and no no...i have no side businesses established.

so whew...the big send off into the cyber world to clear my good name and in time, my conscience. not of pornos, stop thinking that.

so no nasty comments in the future about me not having this thing updated. i really don't have anything that important to say.

so there's my blog. happy jasen? ben? paula? jeff "we call him wally"? and i would say chuckles but i don't think he remembers that far back to remember me. except that i am jasen freaking ashdown's girlfriend.

so again...there it is.

word to your mother. actually she can now read this for herself. so hey to your mother.

Posted by aca at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments